Wow....
I failed. And I failed badly. I thought I wasn't nervous, but I was and the lady could tell. I was so nervous, I made stupid mistakes. Also, I made mistakes because I didn't get to practice them. At least I'm good at backing up.
She said I was a good driver, I just need more practice. It was because I was nervous I made stupid mistakes, also because I didn't know.
I did go over blind intersections, but I didn't practice them. I don't know many two way stops. It's okay. I made mistakes. I'm not perfect.
And no one should expect me to be.
I am me. I'm made of my experience or inexperience and my reaction to my situations.
I am a nice girl. The teacher says I was pleasant and it was sad to see me so down. Personality can only get you so far. You actually need skill. This reminds me of the guild wars game. This was where I found out I wasn't a good guildwars player. It hurt me. So I stopped playing. I don't need to play guildwars, but I need to learn how to drive. So, I have to practice. But I've got to practice in different places. Dad always takes me on the same road, to the same places. I know the drill, I want to practice in places I don't know and where I can make mistakes without penalty.
I'm not going to jail because I didn't pass. Let's just say the tester was saving people from a horrible driver... kind of like my friend katrina. She passed, but she drove in the wrong way. She put herself in danger. I have to keep practicing until I'm not a threat. That is the lady's gift to me. She's saving my life and others.
I also was just really nervous. It reminds me of the time I was in Tae Kwon Do, and I messed up my stance. I guess I was over thinking things or not thinking and I got it wrong. I make mistakes. Sometimes I don't get what I want. But isn't that just life? People never get what they want, people have to struggle. I live in a bubble where I am just seeing the world around me for the first time. In my bubble, I am safe, and I get what I want. I am not responsible for myself. That's why I failed. There are mean people, but since I'm a nice person, they act nice.
Not everyone is bad. That lady was just being strict about her job. But at the end, when she talked to me, she was nice, and she just told me to get practice. That's nice of her.
I don't know why I'm so upset then. Is it because I'm embarrassed? I wanted to say, "Yeah, I passed my first time," just like I wanted to say, "Yeah, I got a 2000 on my SAT." But, I never get what I want. I always think it's because I don't try hard enough and I beat myself up over it. But what could I do....
There are many possibilities. I can drive myself to places with my dad, and my dad drives back. I can drive my mom to places and I can drive her back. I'm nervous, and I'm not quite comfortable with new cars. But the past is the past, but I'll always remember my mistakes.
First, I didn't look at pedestrians. Second, I didn't see the blind spots. Third, I didn't stop smoothly. But after you get a license, it's how you drive that counts. Not if you pass the second time, or the third time. Everything will be alright. I'll get my license when I'm ready. I will just keep practicing until then.
My dad won't let me drive anyways. He still wants me to get picked up and dropped off until I'm fully able to drive. He doesn't believe I'm ready, and he's right. Then why did he want me to get my test so early then? I wasn't ready, and he can't teach me to drive.
The great thing I can do is drive backwards. hahahaha. I'm like Tow Mater!! Backwards driving. woo hoo!!!!
hahahaha. I still feel inadequate. Like I'm not good enough. It's the truth though, and I got to face it. "I'm not ready to drive."
I don't have enough experience. That is my fault. I don't put in enough effort to pass the test. But don't worry. I will be fine the next time... be it in a month or four or half a year.
I will promise that I will get more experience driving. I need to be safe.
I still feel bad that she had to stop me though using the break. What happened if there was no break?? We would have died..... I don't want to die. SO PRACTICE!!!!!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Crazy
Okay, I just started college, and I'm a bit freaked out. About the usual things of course: paranoia, insecurity, anxiety, loneliness.
Seems natural for a freshman to feel that way.
But I, oh I, can magnify that ten folds!!!
Okay, just want to jot down the things I have been witnessing that are weird.
-I thought...
...some old guy could read my mind
-I cried because
...I suck at ceramics
-I heard...
...these girls were talking about my skin
-I saw...
...these three guys turn around to look at how short my friend and I are
-I acted...
...like I knew I had a schedule but really I forgot
As I am listing these things down, I feel that they are pretty normal things. Except the mind reading thing. o.o. I'm just wondering though, is my mind going back to the time when I was imagining things, coming up with a grand new scheme? Who knows... I sure don't. I would like to address each situation with analysis. Why did I experience this events, and how do they reflect me.
1.Thinking someone can read my mind takes me back to the time of psychosis. I wasn't even safe from other people peeking in my head let alone my life. Why did I feel this way? So unprotected and vulnerable. I think it was because of the fact that I know social networking sites are not private. I heard one of my friends saying they find out who says what by looking at someone's IP address... So sad. Who knows what other people can find out with a little finesse? That worries me. I'm supposed to have the to privacy, but nothing is private. With my selective hearing, I probably heard the words that would freak me out and it freaked me out. What would cause me to think like this... why would I want to hear words that would freak me out? Is it because I'm bored? Or is it really uncontrollable? Listening to others conversations is a bad habit I have to kick. I think it all started when I was in fourth grade. That was when I learned that if you listened in at what other people are asking during a test, you hear some clues. From then on, I listened to what others had to say, even if they're not talking to me. I guess we should kick out that bad habit. Grandma lived pretty long because she was hard of hearing. Bless her.
2. Weh, weh, weh, little baby can't make a buddha head?? Too bad. You've got to try. I don't know if it's because I ran out of creative juice or that I wasn't confident enough to make it, but I don't like ceramics. I don't like what I make, and the teacher is making me make something beautiful!! I hate that... darn... I don't know anything about ceramics, but I didn't ask any questions. I guess that's college. If you don't ask anything, you get nothing. So what I need to know is..... what tool is made for what, when do I use water, how do I make the piece smooth, how do I roll the perfect coil, how do I gradually build up but still have a nice slope when I'm done... all these questions were in me but I didn't have to guts to ask. I just saw the teacher talking to the other students, and I didn't want the other students to think I'm a party pooper who needs to catch up with the rest of the class.... but I guess that last statement is true. I do need to catch up with the rest of the class. I'm at a complete loss when I'm in that class. I don't like it that way, but the only way I can fix that is if I ask questions. So, contact the teacher, get to know him, he'll understand you, and we'll all be happy.
3. So, girls talking about me. I guess those girls reminded me of the time I was in high school and I was really insecure. I would let little comments get to me, but I would also get really happy about some comments. I guess I have to do what my si-fu says, and just smile, no matter what people say, good or bad. I like her, her and her sister are awesome. They make me feel at peace.
4. Guys looking at my body. Hahahahaha. sounds wrong! But it's not what you think it means. I don't like sticking out in a bad way. I don't want to be fat and short with ugly skin. I want to be pretty, but like my master says, "not even a beauty queen has everyone thinking she's beautiful." So, I cannot keep thinking about other people's thoughts about me. In the end, you can't win them all. Just be happy with what you got.
5. For some reason I think this is a serious one that I encounter a lot, with me and people around me. People not admitting to their mistakes pisses me off, but I have to say that I sympathize with why they do this. Why do they do this? It is common knowledge that a person does not want to look stupid or embarrass themselves. Looking stupid would mess with their ego. Ego as in "egotism; conceit; self-importance." Who wants to be wrong? Who wants to be admits their mistakes? I don't. I remember in first grade, I had to do a mural with the whole class. I messed it all up by coloring in the wrong direction. The whole class was upset that someone messed it up and I didn't come forth and say "I did it" even when the teacher asked. Think for a minute, if you were a first grader and a class of 30 other students were angry at the troublemaker, would you admit you did it? This technique of not admitting my mistakes is just another habit I picked up in the early stages of my life. Sadly, it's hard to get rid of. I think that I must be humble and when another person has an idea, that I should ponder it greatly, and think that it might be a possibility even if I don't think it is. If I'm wrong, I should also be sure to admit my mistake and say "I'm sorry." This would make me a more pleasant human being overall.
Okay my dear blogger. It has been good. But, it is almost midnight and I'm getting sleepy. Time for a well deserved rest. TTFN
Seems natural for a freshman to feel that way.
But I, oh I, can magnify that ten folds!!!
Okay, just want to jot down the things I have been witnessing that are weird.
-I thought...
...some old guy could read my mind
-I cried because
...I suck at ceramics
-I heard...
...these girls were talking about my skin
-I saw...
...these three guys turn around to look at how short my friend and I are
-I acted...
...like I knew I had a schedule but really I forgot
As I am listing these things down, I feel that they are pretty normal things. Except the mind reading thing. o.o. I'm just wondering though, is my mind going back to the time when I was imagining things, coming up with a grand new scheme? Who knows... I sure don't. I would like to address each situation with analysis. Why did I experience this events, and how do they reflect me.
1.Thinking someone can read my mind takes me back to the time of psychosis. I wasn't even safe from other people peeking in my head let alone my life. Why did I feel this way? So unprotected and vulnerable. I think it was because of the fact that I know social networking sites are not private. I heard one of my friends saying they find out who says what by looking at someone's IP address... So sad. Who knows what other people can find out with a little finesse? That worries me. I'm supposed to have the to privacy, but nothing is private. With my selective hearing, I probably heard the words that would freak me out and it freaked me out. What would cause me to think like this... why would I want to hear words that would freak me out? Is it because I'm bored? Or is it really uncontrollable? Listening to others conversations is a bad habit I have to kick. I think it all started when I was in fourth grade. That was when I learned that if you listened in at what other people are asking during a test, you hear some clues. From then on, I listened to what others had to say, even if they're not talking to me. I guess we should kick out that bad habit. Grandma lived pretty long because she was hard of hearing. Bless her.
2. Weh, weh, weh, little baby can't make a buddha head?? Too bad. You've got to try. I don't know if it's because I ran out of creative juice or that I wasn't confident enough to make it, but I don't like ceramics. I don't like what I make, and the teacher is making me make something beautiful!! I hate that... darn... I don't know anything about ceramics, but I didn't ask any questions. I guess that's college. If you don't ask anything, you get nothing. So what I need to know is..... what tool is made for what, when do I use water, how do I make the piece smooth, how do I roll the perfect coil, how do I gradually build up but still have a nice slope when I'm done... all these questions were in me but I didn't have to guts to ask. I just saw the teacher talking to the other students, and I didn't want the other students to think I'm a party pooper who needs to catch up with the rest of the class.... but I guess that last statement is true. I do need to catch up with the rest of the class. I'm at a complete loss when I'm in that class. I don't like it that way, but the only way I can fix that is if I ask questions. So, contact the teacher, get to know him, he'll understand you, and we'll all be happy.
3. So, girls talking about me. I guess those girls reminded me of the time I was in high school and I was really insecure. I would let little comments get to me, but I would also get really happy about some comments. I guess I have to do what my si-fu says, and just smile, no matter what people say, good or bad. I like her, her and her sister are awesome. They make me feel at peace.
4. Guys looking at my body. Hahahahaha. sounds wrong! But it's not what you think it means. I don't like sticking out in a bad way. I don't want to be fat and short with ugly skin. I want to be pretty, but like my master says, "not even a beauty queen has everyone thinking she's beautiful." So, I cannot keep thinking about other people's thoughts about me. In the end, you can't win them all. Just be happy with what you got.
5. For some reason I think this is a serious one that I encounter a lot, with me and people around me. People not admitting to their mistakes pisses me off, but I have to say that I sympathize with why they do this. Why do they do this? It is common knowledge that a person does not want to look stupid or embarrass themselves. Looking stupid would mess with their ego. Ego as in "egotism; conceit; self-importance." Who wants to be wrong? Who wants to be admits their mistakes? I don't. I remember in first grade, I had to do a mural with the whole class. I messed it all up by coloring in the wrong direction. The whole class was upset that someone messed it up and I didn't come forth and say "I did it" even when the teacher asked. Think for a minute, if you were a first grader and a class of 30 other students were angry at the troublemaker, would you admit you did it? This technique of not admitting my mistakes is just another habit I picked up in the early stages of my life. Sadly, it's hard to get rid of. I think that I must be humble and when another person has an idea, that I should ponder it greatly, and think that it might be a possibility even if I don't think it is. If I'm wrong, I should also be sure to admit my mistake and say "I'm sorry." This would make me a more pleasant human being overall.
Okay my dear blogger. It has been good. But, it is almost midnight and I'm getting sleepy. Time for a well deserved rest. TTFN
Friday, August 13, 2010
The reason I want a dog.
The main reason I want a dog is that I want to learn something. I want to teach it and feel the joy of owning a dog. The joy comes in many forms. The anxious waiting by the door when you get home, a lick, attentive looks, barks. Are those joys enough to beat the obstacles?
When I get a dog, I cannot control:
-the cost
-the barking
-the shedding
-the pooping
-mat being afraid of the dog
-barking at strangers.
All I know is that I love dogs. I want to care for it like how teresa cares for mat. I want to pet, walk, and hug my dog. I want to save them from the shelter. I don't care if it looks cute. As long as it's small and has a good temper, I'll take it home. But it'll be when I get a job. But if I'm off working, who is going to take care of the dog? If I get a job, I would have less time to spend with it. I would not give it enough attention. The perfect time would be now. But now is so fleeting. I'm not free all the time. But I would only have to go to class 4 days and i'll be home three. I think the dog will help promote a healthy lifestyle for me. I mean, I will be outside. I would be walking. I can take it walking. I don't think I'm the one unprepared for a dog, I think it's my family. They are not ready. But when will they be? My parents are almost sixty. Pretty soon they are going to retire and I'll have to work on my own. When will that be? Me, working full-time?? That will take 6 years. In six years I would graduate. In six years I will not be in this same house. This is not my house. I cannot ruin it.
My family is not ready to have a dog. They are too afraid. They do not know anything about dogs. Only that they have fleas, bite, chew. They do not know how to love them yet. I'm afraid if I live in Hellyer, someone will kidnap my small dog. Because it will be outside, barking. I love dogs too much to let my family have one. I love dogs. But my family does not. I can change me, but not them. So want else is there to say? I love to have a dog, but my family is just not ready. Therefore, this isn't the time for a dog.
A dog isn't just for fun sometimes.
It's a full time job.
You need to treat it as you would treat a child.
You do not ignore it and leave it outside all the time.
This is not just a phase.
True love for dogs, willingness to take care of it does not come to many people.
It's not like crocheting. Some days you can crochet, some days you don't.
But owning a dog is owning another being. You have to care for it. Play with it. Keep it entertained.
I'm not much for kids, but I know I like dogs.
In fact, I'm not going to have kids. I'm going to have dogs. Hope my parents weren't thinking of me having kids.
TOo bad, still not having kids. Kids are too much. Dogs are okay. They are fleeting, but okay. I mean, why bring into the world another kid so that they will be going through the same thing we are going through. They are going to work hard, get stressed out, have bad days, have times when they are going to be lonely, have to go through teenage years. I don't know why, but I'm just unhappy. Is it because I can't get a dog? No, I think it's because I can't accept life. Life has just been so easy for me. I go to school, get good grades, go home, get praised, get everything I want. But life is harder than that. Being good at school doesn't mean you will be good in life. It's hard for me to trurst people. It's hard for me to be myself. I'm always so afraid. So afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid of opening windows because I'm afraid people will hear me, and then judge me. Well, sorry to sock it to ya honey but life is meant to be out there. If I'm stuck in my little shell I can't... succeed. I can't go out there and be great. I can trick myself that I'm great but I'm not.
So, I think I want a dog to have a friend. I need a friend who is not going to judge me. Someone I can provide to without having to worry about fairness and who's getting more of what. There's just something in a dog, the companionship, the loyalty, the attentiveness, that I have been craving. A dog can make me smile just for being a dog. I love it, just because it is itself. That is what I need to do with human beings. The human mind is too complex. If you do this, then you deserve that. What happened if you did nothing good, what do you deserve from me? Of course, the obvious answer to that is nothing whereas the dog gets love from just good behavior. Why can't people do that? You are a nice person. You make me happy for just being you. Here's a hug. A dog gets petted just being a dog.
Can someone be a people's person without any self interest?
"Yeah, I like people. They don't say anything to me, I just see them down the street and I say, 'Hey, how are you?' just because they are people."
Now that I think about it. There are people like that. But often, people want the return. The "I'm fine. Thanks for asking."
A people person doesn't get a nice reply all the time but if one truley likes people, a person wouldn't care. For example, I'm walking down the street and I see someone walking there dog. I think the dog is so cute I want to pet it so I ask the owner. However, the dog doesn't liked being touched by strangers and growls at me. If I am a true dog lover, I would not get affected by this. I would understand and go on living my life still loving dogs.
Now back to changing myself and not others.
I guess I have no choice but to be a people lover.
When I get a dog, I cannot control:
-the cost
-the barking
-the shedding
-the pooping
-mat being afraid of the dog
-barking at strangers.
All I know is that I love dogs. I want to care for it like how teresa cares for mat. I want to pet, walk, and hug my dog. I want to save them from the shelter. I don't care if it looks cute. As long as it's small and has a good temper, I'll take it home. But it'll be when I get a job. But if I'm off working, who is going to take care of the dog? If I get a job, I would have less time to spend with it. I would not give it enough attention. The perfect time would be now. But now is so fleeting. I'm not free all the time. But I would only have to go to class 4 days and i'll be home three. I think the dog will help promote a healthy lifestyle for me. I mean, I will be outside. I would be walking. I can take it walking. I don't think I'm the one unprepared for a dog, I think it's my family. They are not ready. But when will they be? My parents are almost sixty. Pretty soon they are going to retire and I'll have to work on my own. When will that be? Me, working full-time?? That will take 6 years. In six years I would graduate. In six years I will not be in this same house. This is not my house. I cannot ruin it.
My family is not ready to have a dog. They are too afraid. They do not know anything about dogs. Only that they have fleas, bite, chew. They do not know how to love them yet. I'm afraid if I live in Hellyer, someone will kidnap my small dog. Because it will be outside, barking. I love dogs too much to let my family have one. I love dogs. But my family does not. I can change me, but not them. So want else is there to say? I love to have a dog, but my family is just not ready. Therefore, this isn't the time for a dog.
A dog isn't just for fun sometimes.
It's a full time job.
You need to treat it as you would treat a child.
You do not ignore it and leave it outside all the time.
This is not just a phase.
True love for dogs, willingness to take care of it does not come to many people.
It's not like crocheting. Some days you can crochet, some days you don't.
But owning a dog is owning another being. You have to care for it. Play with it. Keep it entertained.
I'm not much for kids, but I know I like dogs.
In fact, I'm not going to have kids. I'm going to have dogs. Hope my parents weren't thinking of me having kids.
TOo bad, still not having kids. Kids are too much. Dogs are okay. They are fleeting, but okay. I mean, why bring into the world another kid so that they will be going through the same thing we are going through. They are going to work hard, get stressed out, have bad days, have times when they are going to be lonely, have to go through teenage years. I don't know why, but I'm just unhappy. Is it because I can't get a dog? No, I think it's because I can't accept life. Life has just been so easy for me. I go to school, get good grades, go home, get praised, get everything I want. But life is harder than that. Being good at school doesn't mean you will be good in life. It's hard for me to trurst people. It's hard for me to be myself. I'm always so afraid. So afraid of what people will think of me. I'm afraid of opening windows because I'm afraid people will hear me, and then judge me. Well, sorry to sock it to ya honey but life is meant to be out there. If I'm stuck in my little shell I can't... succeed. I can't go out there and be great. I can trick myself that I'm great but I'm not.
So, I think I want a dog to have a friend. I need a friend who is not going to judge me. Someone I can provide to without having to worry about fairness and who's getting more of what. There's just something in a dog, the companionship, the loyalty, the attentiveness, that I have been craving. A dog can make me smile just for being a dog. I love it, just because it is itself. That is what I need to do with human beings. The human mind is too complex. If you do this, then you deserve that. What happened if you did nothing good, what do you deserve from me? Of course, the obvious answer to that is nothing whereas the dog gets love from just good behavior. Why can't people do that? You are a nice person. You make me happy for just being you. Here's a hug. A dog gets petted just being a dog.
Can someone be a people's person without any self interest?
"Yeah, I like people. They don't say anything to me, I just see them down the street and I say, 'Hey, how are you?' just because they are people."
Now that I think about it. There are people like that. But often, people want the return. The "I'm fine. Thanks for asking."
A people person doesn't get a nice reply all the time but if one truley likes people, a person wouldn't care. For example, I'm walking down the street and I see someone walking there dog. I think the dog is so cute I want to pet it so I ask the owner. However, the dog doesn't liked being touched by strangers and growls at me. If I am a true dog lover, I would not get affected by this. I would understand and go on living my life still loving dogs.
Now back to changing myself and not others.
I guess I have no choice but to be a people lover.
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